November 23rd will forever be remembered for The Thanksgiving Gumball Experiments of 2011. A slow day at work sparked curiosity to try a gag gift, which was received with an expeditious frowny face.

Hypothesis: The Thanksgiving gumballs as individuals will not shine in flavor, nor Thanksgivingness. However, as with a traditional Thanksgiving meal, the sum of all the components as a whole will bring together the true essence of Thanksgiving – in gum form.

Procedures:

1) Try turkey flavored gumball.
2) Try pumpkin pie flavored gumball.
3) Try cranberry sauce flavored gumball.
4) Try all 3 flavored gumballs together.

Data/Results: The turkey flavored gumball were the worst out of all of them, resembling the aftertaste of vomit after a night of drinking vodka and eating chicken nuggets. The pumpkin pie was quite yummy, but tasted more like maple syrup more than anything. The same kinda thing with the cranberry sauce- sugary sweet, but vague as to what magical fruit it was derived from. All 3 together were a party in my mouth that I wouldn’t want to invite anybody to. The medley of salty/sweet/tangy fused together into something only a child would eat in an elementary school cafeteria after being triple-dog-dared into submission. And as with most gumballs, the flavor lasts all but 30 seconds or so, depending on the ratio  of chewing speed per amount of gum in mouth.

Conclusion: Remember Big League Chew? I’m pretty sure it’s not a gateway drug to tobacco use. Buy that instead. Should all acquaintance be forgot? Heavens no. Should all Thanksgiving Gumballs be forgot? The triple-dog-dared child inside of me says a resounding “Yes.”

What just makes that little darn ant, think he could move a rubber tree plant? Umm…My guess would be to avoid being lightly salted, toasted, and made into a Columbian snack. 

From the creators of such delicacies as Canned Unicorn Meat, the wizards at Think Geek give us Edible Giant Toasted Leafcutter Ants. Doing my best Andrew Zimmern impression (short of shaving my head bald), I dive into the wonderful world of bizarre foods.

For some reason, I was anticipating a big mason jar full of ants, suitable for wannabe Pokemon trainers of all ages. The jar is pretty small, with maybe 15-20 ants per freshness-sealed container.

These leafcutter ants are definitely not your everyday, generic army ants that invade your grandma’s kitchen craving pie. Each individual ant is HUGE and intimidating. Before munching down on one, I had one of those “What am I doing with my life?” moments of existentialism.

Thankfully (or unthankfully if you’re into insect-flavored Gushers), the abdomen section didn’t explode in my mouth with ant guts when I bit into one, as I feared. The texture is crispy and somewhat chewy. The ants indeed have a nutty, smokey, bacon-like flavor. If I did a blind taste test, I would probably guess they were krill shrimp cooked with bacon salt, but then again there’s a lingering aftertaste that screams “cree-ee-ee-py crawler!”

Even though I would go as far to say that the taste was actually good, I just can’t picture eating handfulls of ants as a snack on movie night. That would make a midnight screening of Never Say Never even more awkward than it should be. Half the battle is getting over that little voice in your head telling you that you’re eatting a bug that once happily roamed the earth, collecting leaves that were probably used to build a summer vacation home for his tiny ant family. Poor poor Timmy the Ant.

G & M Restaurant & Lounge
804 Hammonds Ferry Road
Linthicum Heights, MD 21090

Crabs. Is there anything they can’t do? If The Little Mermaid is any indication…not much. Nevertheless, what better way to celebrate singing, dancing crustaceans than to have some crab cakes?

To the G & M Restaurant and Lounge we go!

G & M serves the biggest Maryland all-lump crab cakes I’ve ever seen. Not quite as big as Giada De Laurentiis’ head — they’re about the size of half a softball, or a partially destroyed Death Star replica.  The best thing about these crab cakes is they’re all crab, with barely any filler. It’s pretty much all the best parts of eating crab without any of the messy work of using Thor’s hammer to crack open shells.

And the taste? Melt-in-your-mouth delicious. The Old Bay seasoning complimented the crab cakes, not taking away any of the sweet, delicate flavor of the meat, and I think the binding to keep the crab cake together had some of the yummy orange fatty “roe” stuff from inside the crab, which added a subtle, creamy richness.

Despite the iffyness of Sebastian’s shell color relative to the shell color of most live crabs, if you’re a seafood lover visiting the Baltimore area, you should definitely check out the G & M Restaurant and Lounge. And now, it’s time to sing and dance!

15192 D, Fredrick Road
Rockville, MD 20850

Perhaps I’m a bit crazy for wanting frosty bubble tea during these bleak winter months. Nevertheless, the bitter winds won’t stop me from heading out into the cold to satisfy my masochistic cravings. And so I stumbled upon Jumbo Jumbo Café – Asia Taste, thinking: “It must be damn good here, because it repeats itself for extra emphasis…extra emphasis…” I originally planned to get bubble tea and bubble tea only. Of course, I ended up getting an order of Taiwanese chicken to give my lonely cup of bubble tea some company.

The Taiwanese chicken is served street-food style — in a paper bag with a long skewer to use as a utensil and/or World of Warcraft LARP weapon. From a glance, it looked like ordinary chunks of boneless popcorn chicken, but the surprising taste quickly dismissed my doubts. It’s crunchy, juicy, sweet, spicy, salty, and has very distinct Asiany flavors. The basic ingredients are chili, white pepper, and basil, but there was a little kick of something added (MSG?) that made the chicken extra tasty. It was like my tastebuds looked under their chairs and received a shiny new gift from Oprah. Some people say there’s too much breading; I found the meat-to-breading ratio to be just fine. The only downside for me is that the saltiness restrains me from eating tons of the chicken. It really makes you wanna drink more and more bubble tea.

Oh, and speaking of drinks with gelatinous globs of tapioca pearls, the taro bubble tea I had was your standard cup of good bubble tea. Not too sweet, smooth finish, undertones of taro, and the tapioca pearls weren’t too firm or mushy. Nothing home to write about, but seeing as this was the initial focus of the night, my bubble tea-obtaining goals were accomplished enough to warrant a gold star on my report card.

Lessons learned today: 1) Always wear long-johns when going out for a wintery stroll/bubble tea run, and 2) Taiwanese chicken and bubble tea make an awesome snack combo (perfect for a wintery stroll/bubble tea run) that I’ll be enjoying forever. Foreva-eva? Foreva-eva.

Oh harsh cold mistress that is Washington, DC. We need to go on a break. You’ve always been there for me through the good times and bad times, but I need to escape into the warm, open arms of the south. New Orleans here I come.

Cafe Du Monde

Known for its beignets and coffee, Café Du Monde has been a cornerstone in New Orleans since 1862. I won’t hide anything. Beignets aren’t just French donuts. They’re funnel cake on steroids. Crispy on the outside, soft & chewy in the inside — you’ll be completely drenched in powdered sugar afterwards and you’ll probably like it.

To wash down your sugary pillows of happiness, there’s the Café Au Lait; a blend of coffee, chicory and milk. I’m more of a tea drinker, but this was the best cup of coffee I’ve had in a while. And the frozen version is better than any triple-mocha-sowcow Frap from Starbucks.

Café Du Monde is a little pricey, but it’s a must-try for anyone visiting the French Quarter. It was my breakfast for 2 days in a row and I can probably eat it for breakfast every day. Who needs donuts & coffee?

Gator Me Crazy

For lunch I tried a place featured on the Food Channel for its unique, not-so-reptile-friendly menu, Gator Me Crazy.

One of the dishes that can’t be found anywhere else is the Swamp Rolls. Like a Creole mad scientist, these were invented in-house by the restaurant’s owner. They’re a mix of cheese, alligator meat, and a spicy sauce, all wrapped in an eggroll wrapper. It’s an interesting combination of flavors, kinda like a mini deep-fried Chipotle burrito. Swamp rolls are delicious, but the cheese definitely overpowered any taste of alligator to oblivion.

The fried gator po’boy wasn’t anything special. It was good, but the portions were skimpy and the breading on the meat, along with the remoulade, masked the flavor of the alligator. Eating the chunks of alligator by themselves, the taste and texture is somewhere between chicken and pork.

I’d go back to Gator Me Crazy to try the grilled gator on a stick, but there are also other options around the French Market if you get a case of the alligator shakes.

The Gumbo Shop

Based on local recommendations, and my fondness of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I had to try the turtle soup at The Gumbo Shop for dinner. It was flavorful, with a nice blend of spices, and a seafoody, tomato-based broth. It was like refreshing clam bisque with more turtle power.

I haven’t had much New Orleans cuisine, but the crawfish etouffee here is the best Cajun/Creole food I’ve ever tasted. It was spicy with just a hint of sweetness, and there were big chunks of crawfish in every bite. This is perfect hangover food after a long night of dancing with random robot men on Bourbon Street.

From the amazing food to the jazz music to the friendly locals, I really loved hanging out in New Orleans. It’s a fun city that has an authenticity and spirit of it’s own that I haven’t felt anywhere else. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to roll around in a bed of powdered sugar. Sorry…beignets withdrawal…

I’m tired…nearly chubby-tired. Here I am eating pretzels and M&M’s separately in a ceremoniously inefficient fashion when I could be snacking and building a Lego tower with the greatest of ease…until now. Pretzel M&M’s. They’re real, and they’re spectacular.

As advertised, pretzel M&M’s are indeed crunchy, salty, and sweet. And if this blog were an age-appropriate Mad Lib, I would confidently add yummy to the description list.

A quick dissection of the candy reveals a tiny pretzel ball at the core. Disappointingly, it’s not a conventional twisty-shaped pretzel that’s been miniaturized Honey I Shrunk the Kids style. The technology just isn’t there…yet.

Pretzel M&M’s are not overly chocolatey or pretzely. But make no mistake; these are not bite-sized chocolate pretzels. The algebraically-crafted ratio of chocolate to pretzel, along with the sugary shell, reaffirms the distinct M&M-ness of the candy. Pretzel M&M’s are delicious, and their naturally bite-sized snackiness make them very addicting to eat.

With productivity up two-fold, and my Lego tower constructed in all it’s wobbly glory, this salty/sweet combo is a welcomed addition to the M&M family.

November 13^th – 14^th
DC Convention Center
Washington, DC

This past weekend, DC hosted the Mecca of all foodie events in the area: The Metropolitan Cooking & Entertainment Show. The event showcased a number of product vendors, as well as cooking demos, book signings, and meet & greets with a few notable Food Network celebrities – Paula Dean, Bobby Flay, and Rachel Ray.

Since I didn’t have time to churn a tub of butter, Paula Dean was out of the question. Thankfully, I got to see Bobby Flay instead. Cracking jokes right off the bat regarding his likeness to pale chicken, Flay was very charismatic and engaging throughout his demo. As he cooked, He answered some audience questions, with answers that included his respect for Chipotle burritos, and his views on the changing culinary landscape with the advent of twittering/food blogging. He cited the negatives of haters who only like to talk trash, and the positives of passionate foodies who provide useful info, noting the underground culinary hero, Pioneer Woman Ree Drummond. After Flay’s cooking demo, I was lucky to taste some of his cooking – mashed potatoes w/ queso sauce and roasted seasonal veggies. His over-saturated celebrity status almost made me forget that he actually has remarkable talent as a chef. Well done Flay…well done…

Through the labyrinth of food booths in the exhibit hall, I had fun sampling the products that were showcased, even though there seemed to be a disproportionate amount of BBQ sauce vendors and bakeries selling sweets. A notable product I thought was really good was Zip Sauce, which is essentially a bottled vegetarian jus that you drizzle over meat, veggies, etc. right before serving to add an instant kick of beefy flavor. There were also different cooking gadgets exhibited (mops, graters, non-stick pots and pans) and some oddball products, such as the Super Fit Massage Machine. This miracle invention claims to give a full day’s workout in just a few short minutes a day by shaking your booty like a model in a hip-hop video. The booth brought in a flood of smiling male gawkers and didn’t quite fit into a cooking venue. Hmmm…maybe that’s where the “entertainment” part of the show comes in?

The DC Metro Cooking & Entertainment Show was an enjoyable experience for foodies and non-foodies alike. It may lack the sophistication and focus of more specialized events, but it was a good cross-section of food-related things that appealed to just about everyone who loves to eat and/or cook. I wouldn’t mind coming back next year to try some of the cooking workshops, wine tasting….and challenge Bobby Flay to a spaghetti taco Throwdown.

I remember this one time when I was with my friends last year, sitting around discussing crazy bacon-flavored food products.  How did we start talking about that?  No clue.  Among the things that came up during our conversation was bacon salt.  Up until that point, I never heard of such a thing.  And never would I have thought a time would come when this strange seasoning and I would ever cross paths.  Just two desperadoes meeting at high noon to finally settle the score.  It must have been destined to be.  True story.

From the company that produced such hits as Bacon Pop, we have another curiosity- J & D’s Bacon Salt.  It’s a smoky, salty, bacon-flavored seasoning that successfully achieves what it sets out to do: make other things taste a bit like bacon.  I’ve tested it on a few things like peanuts, eggs, and chicken.  Of course, I even tried it by itself just for comparison.  Aside from the smoky natural bacon flavor, paprika and garlic seem the most noticeable out of all the ingredients.  For the most part texture-wise, it’s a bit powdery with larger red chunks of something (my guess: smoke/bacon flavorings, or faerie tears).  I can see how it can be used in place of regular salt, or even other seasoning salts.

And that’s basically what this is – another type of seasoning salt, ready to be called to action when you want throw a changeup at any meal.  I have yet to try it on things like steak or fries.  But I have a really good feeling that it will fit right in with those big leaguers.  Can’t wait to try it in my cooking.  The best part is that, according to the website, it’s “a zero calorie, zero fat, vegetarian and kosher seasoning”.  Less restrictions on who can play The Bacon Game?  Well, that’s just fine in my book.

Eight out of ten Facebook statii agree: The hiatus is over, and the prodigal son has triumphantly returned home. Ladies and gentlemen, the McRib…is back. And this time, not in pog form.

So you may be asking yourself, “Bananaketchie? Whatsa McWib?” Awww, I’m glad you asked little girl! The McRib is a McDonald’s sandwich comprised of a pork-based patty (molded to look like a rack of ribs), tangy BBQ sauce, pickles & onions, and a standard bun made of bread. The mystery meat was moist, with a teensy hint of smoky, grilled taste that will fool your brain into believing you’re eating something that once oinked on a farm.

I don’t know if my palette is more sophisticated now and doesn’t respond to anything but the finest sous-vide fois gras, or if McDonald’s trimmed down the sandwich to conform to the cruel, transfatless society we live in….but something was missing. The McRib just didn’t have enough flavor, as if it needed to be given a hickory flavored hookah pipe to smoke with the Hamburgular or something.

At the end of the day, I left my McRib experience like a high school reunion. Yeah, it was great seeing the homecoming queen again, but she’s not as hot as I remembered…and she slightly reeks of onions. Now if only we can lobby for McDonald’s to release a McRib Double Down – Two McRib patties as the bread, with bacon & cheese as the meat. Ouch, my heart just skipped a beat…or five…

Let’s try a little Rorschach type experiment here – free association time.  Look at this next picture.  What is the first thing that pops into your mind?

If you said bacon, you get partial credit.  Don’t worry.  Extra credit can still be earned on a later assignment.  What we have here is Uncle Oinker’s Gummy Bacon, an example of an edible treat that imitates the appearance of another food.  Does it quite well, don’t you think?

So visually, it’s all trick.  But is it also a treat?  As far as smell goes, I would have to say no.  On the packaging, it’s labeled as “strawberry flavor”.  That may very well be, but it doesn’t even smell anything like strawberries.  I appreciate how well they packaged the product for shelf life longevity.  The problem there is the gummy treat seems to absorb the plastic-y smell of its packaging.

As for the taste, well… it’s not quite strawberry flavor, at least not at first.  Again I blame the plastic packaging.  Its “taste” seems to have attached itself to the surface of the gummy.  After lots of chewing and getting down to the center of the thick snack (think country style bacon) it begins to resemble the taste of generic strawberry candy products – a little bit tart, not overly sweet.

Compared to other gummy candies such as gummy bears, they fail a bit in the flavor department.  As far as chewiness goes, this gummy bacon is a bit chewier than premium gummy bears and less chewy than cheaper gummy treats.

So there you have it folks.  It’s clearly more trick than treat, best enjoyed for it’s appearances and not flavor.  As a bacon fan, I personally found it fun to receive this as part of a gift package.  Thanks bro.

Extra credit pop quiz!  During Halloween, what treats do you look forward to getting your eager little paws on?  Subquestion: do you hate getting pop quizes as much as I do?